Turning Pain into Purpose, Life After Sexual Assault - Part 3

Due to the nature of this podcast, please know the content may be difficult to hear and can be triggering to those listening. Please take all necessary precautions and care while listening to this podcast.

In this episode, Blaze Bell shares her story of sexual assault. She and Christina both deliver intimate details regarding their experiences with health care providers and law enforcement officers when seeking services after trauma.

Guest Bio:
Christina Love is an Alaska Native from Egegik village who was raised in Chitina, Alaska. She is a consultant, Recovery Coach and civil and human rights activist, while dedicating the last 7 years to systems change for targeted and marginalized populations in Alaska. She is a formerly incarcerated person in long term recovery who currently works as a Specialist for the Alaska Network on Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault (ANDVSA), the state’s coalition of domestic and sexual violence programs. Christina's role focuses on intersectionality with an emphasis on trauma and substance use at ANDVSA. Christina works with programs, agencies, and communities state and nationwide to address the continuum of care for support services through strategic initiatives, substance use screening, training and technical assistance, community-based organization, integrated services, curriculum development, evaluation, assessment, and organizational and community healing. Christina is part of a collective movement that works to end violence, oppression, shame, and stigma through the liberation of education and community healing.

Interviewer Bio:
Blaze Bell is a lifelong Alaskan, Speaker, Singer, and Transformational Coach, who has turned her pain into her purpose. She is on a mission to help others heal, in the ways that she has, from trauma and addiction. Blaze has a popular podcast highlighting healing tools and a new video series interviewing leaders in the healing industry. She is the Board President of Victims for Justice and also frequently works with Standing Together Against Rape (STAR), a rape crisis intervention service in Anchorage, Alaska. As a certified holistic health coach and award-winning singer, Blaze combines her unique skill set to bring the world healing through mindfulness, health, music, and joy.

This project was supported by Grant No.2019-SA-AX-K001 awarded by the Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and  recommendations expressed in this presentation are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Department of Justice, Office on Violence Against Women or the International Association of Forensic Nurses.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hello. And welcome to today's episode. This podcast is brought to you by IAFN's, ISAAC project funded by the Office on Violence Against Women. The International Association of Forensic Nurses is the recognized authority on forensic nursing, promoting universal access to care for patients impacted by violence and trauma. The Indigenous Sexual Assault and Abuse Clearinghouse project has a mission to offer technical assistance, training and education to providers serving sexual assault survivors in tribal communities. I am your host, Blaze Bell, lifelong Alaskan dedicated to helping fellow survivors heal from trauma. Today's guest is Christina Love. She is an Alaskan native woman from Chitina. She is a consultant, a recovery coach, and a civil and human rights activist. Christina is dedicated to systems change and healing centered care through her work with the Alaska Network on Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault. In part three of this series with Christina Love, we dive into all things healing. We share the healing journey we've been on along with specific practical tools we use in our self care practices. Let's dive in.

Speaker 2: 1:10

Hello. Hello. I am here for interview at number three with Christina Love back for more. And today our focus is really gonna be on healing tools and the personal healing journey we took after our assaults. And so in the previous two, we talked more about our interaction with service providers and some of the really deep, difficult parts. And hopefully today will be a little bit lighter and very educational on sharing different healing that survivors who are listening can try and also for the care providers to have a fuller understanding of what it feels like to be in our shoes. So thank you for coming back, Christina. And why don't you start us off.

Speaker 3: 1:57

Thank you so much. Uh, for having me I'm so grateful to be here. I, this is one of my favorite topic. I think that, um, I know, I know that there is a lot of emphasis around, you know, the structure and, um, a big part of what I do and a huge part of my passion is, um, healing center, engagement, healing center practices. And, um, and that is, you know, how can we shift the work, you know, to be more centered survivors, but focusing on the healing from the moment that we are having contact with any of the systems, you know, that, that people are aware of the way that trauma affects our body. That, um, and that's really a big part, like of understanding trauma is understanding like that trauma is an injury and not, I mean, mental illness and, um, and, and with time and with intentionality, you know, the healing is possible. Um, and so, you know, that's a lot of what we're gonna, um, talk about today. I think for myself, you know, in looking back, it's been really, really important, um, for providers, but mostly for survivors themselves or myself. Um, learning about the science of trauma has been really, really, really liberating. Like I think back to, I, I remember after the event not having any emotion at all, and I felt like there was something wrong with me. So, you know, not being able to get excited about things like just being completely void of all things and, um, not being able to recall like events or not being able to escape that memory, like so normalizing all of the different things that come up and, um, understanding that at the very heart of trauma is dysregulation in the body. And so understanding like the, the importance of our nervous system, you know, that we, as human beings are hardwired to be in relationships and that it isn't that we are experiencing the world it's that we're experiencing our nervous system, but it's experiencing the world. And after we experience something really severe like sexual assault in forms of trauma, and that really messes with our nervous system and there can be all kinds of different responses, like not feeling anything, but it really goes back to like that, that fight flight freeze, um, response that, you know, that, that causes us. And some of the ways that I talk about that is that stress response. Um, so if I'm feeling overwhelmed, if I'm feeling afraid, um, if I'm feeling, um, stressed out, or if I get hurt, if I'm in pain, like any one of those things can cause this response in to, to be cognitive, to be emotional and to be physical that I don't have control over. Um, but I think that, um, you know, what I really wanna to is that initial, you know, what what's offered to you initially, and that is the acute care versus long term care. Um, and how, you know, our we've really created this movement that is very focused on the acute care that first 12 hours, that first 24 hours. And then afterwards kind of like, well, what's, what's next. And so I kind of, I, I think it feels important to speak to both like first we'll talk about the acute care and like how what's offered to you in the moment. And, and then, you know, what kind of care was offered to us or what kinda care we've sought out.

Speaker 2: 5:15

Yeah, absolutely. And, and that's kind of the breakdown I was thinking too, cuz I can distinctly remember what was offered to me, but the things I use today, you know, 10, 15 years later for my own mental health and self care, um, are completely different than what they offered in that moment. So yeah. Do you want me to share, share that? Sure. Yeah. Okay. So after I was assaulted, um, and it was so violent and traumatizing and you know, going to the hospital and doing the rape kit and uh, and then also having a lot of other injuries, I basically was handed this pile of prescription drugs and that was kind of the answer to everything in the mind of the different doctors and providers. And that was intense. And I went from nothing except my, you know, handy little asthma inhaler I've had since childhood to having all these pills, but my body had never touched before. So there were, they gave me pain pills, uh, sleeping pills, anti-anxiety pills, antidepressants all at once, you know, and take all of be every day. And like it almost like this feeling of good luck. Here you go. Good luck. You know, and again, then I'm just left by myself and they're like, you should also definitely go to therapy. And that was the other thing. And so I was, you know, signed up with a counselor. I didn't wanna go to therapy. I didn't like the person. It was a really bad fit. Um, I was in a really bad place and I was also like doped up on this weird mix of, of drugs that were really strong. And I didn't, I know today, you know, prescription drugs are just very strong and I do think they have a place in the world and I'm really grateful, uh, for the help they give to people. But for me it was way too much and it, it caused a lot of other problems and I ended up getting very addicted to some of those prescriptions and that was the start of my whole addiction. And not that I blame the doctors, you know, cause obviously I had the main part in that, but it was a lot, it, I just remember thinking this is a lot and I don't see it would cause more harm than good at the time. And I had to do lot of work to recover from that as well, you know?

Speaker 3: 7:43

Yeah. It is. It's interesting that, um, you know, when I look back to different points of, um, harm in my life, you know, that as a child, none of those things were offered. And um, and then later in adolescent, when, um, you know, when I, when I think back to, um, you know, going through the full process where I am engaging with law enforcement and I have done, you know, the sexual assault kit, um, because I was addicted and, and that was a part and they, and, and that was a part of, you know, um, of the sexual assault too. You know, it was a part of where I was, was a part of, um, who I was getting drugs from. Um, and it was a prevalent part of the relationship that I had, um, with, with my partner at the time. And so that was, that was a part of my story, um, to, um, um, law enforcement. And it was part of the forensic forensic interview that they knew that I was on drugs, um, especially because I was going, starting to go into withdrawal and enough time had passed. Um, so those medications were never offered. And, um, even for, you know, even though I was asking for things because I was having, um, you know, coming back later, severe panic attacks, like could not breathe was PA was hyperventilating would pass out in the bathroom, just thought that I was, I was dying. I didn't know what was happening to me. Um, but going, you know, to, um, going, continuing to go back to the, ER, didn't have a primary care doctor at the time. Um, I've never saw somebody on a regular basis unless it was an emergency. Um, but, but I was continually labeled as somebody who was drug seeking, even though I felt like I really needed those things. Um, and, um, yeah, and then telling me that I really needed to get help for my substance use. Like they, that was like the, that was the primary over the trauma that I had experienced. Um, and it was really important for me later on to understand that my substance use was my natural reaction to the trauma and that without that lack of support, then I turned to the only thing that was closest. And so I, to today, I continued to think about, you know, the community's relationship with, with substances and our individual relationship with substances and I, and substances really saved my life. I mean, I later ended up, um, trying to take my own life several times. And I, I know that I would've been successful without having substances and, you know, it's something to, um, to really we, um, lean on and, and understanding like the, the science of that. There's a lot of science that liberates people's experience. And we have a lot of statistics that show us that the majority of, um, tranquilizers are prescribed to women that have experienced harm. And the majority of, um, of, of, um, people who are harmed by physical and sexual violence, looking at for the state of Alaska, it's like 60 to 70% of us end up turning to substances on a national level that looks like 90% of the people who are accessing treatment services have a, have a history of violence. Um, I think the, you know, the thing for me to, to that, I, um, the important part of my story is that this, you know, that, um, that this compounded the other trauma that was already happening, you know, and, um, my ability to access services, you know, each time being harmed, diminished. So I was, did not have the ability to communicate my needs. Um, and I was, um, and the, and the level of dysregulation was so incredibly high that the smallest thing could set me into a rage. And so people had labeled me as, you know, problematic or as difficult. And, um, in a really big part of my job today is helping those same professionals understand the experience of trauma and how anger is such an important part of our healing process and how it is our body's natural response to keeping us alive. Um, or even like, you know, turning things around where maybe we had been labeled as, um, um, what is, what is some of the other ones like that, um, that we are not trusting of people again, like, um, making that into a protective like that people have, um, really, um, abused that trust. And so now they have to work for it, you know, so really placing of, you know, the blame where it belongs and, um, and, and again, providing some of these liberatory practices. So, you know, initially there wasn't a lot of healing, but then what I learned over time, and when I think back, you know, why this last time I was able to, you know, find a pathway of recovery, um, and be free of addiction and be free of that chaotic relationship with substances and, um, come to a place where I have stability, um, and confidence and where I could sleep at night without nightmares. And I think back, and there's a couple of major things that had to happen. Um, the first is that I needed to have my basic needs met. I needed to have, um, a safe place to stay that was consistent. And even, you know, and I think now, even my first year or two within housing, I still face a lot of, you know, um, like my body had to regulate to those surroundings. You get used to being, um, home homeless. Um, I needed to have, um, food, you know, I mean today still my refrigerator will be stocked full of food, even for one person or two people, you know, that it is, it's something that food scarcity is something that I still live with. Like being afraid that I'm not gonna have enough food, um, or, you know, it's been many years since I've experienced homelessness. It's still in the back of my mind that I could be homeless again and having to explain, like, I will tell myself that is, that is a fear, but it's still, um, one of, one of the reactions, you know, that, that trauma leaves you. So having my basic needs met, I think of, um, formally known as Maslow's hierarchy of needs, just the hierarchy of needs that was taken from the black feed nation. And that looks at, you know, that the, the founding, you know, the, the, that each one of the pillars build off of, um, each other and that you need, um, each one of them to advance up to the, the top, um, and at the bottom is, you know, shelter is food is, um, um, you know, all of the things, you know, that we need as human being. So the next part is safety. And I think that this is really important to think about in the context of, um, you know, and maybe what could be described as a difference between safety for domestic violence and sexual assault, you know, domestic violence is that there's this violence outside, you know, that, so you have to safety plan and for sexual assault, it was like, I don't feel safe in the, my own body. You know, I don't feel connected to my own body, my, and, and a lot of the feelings that I had, you know, really from, from the thinking about, you know, from the act of sexual assault that caused a huge disconnection between me and my body. I literally left my body. So then it had been this journey of like coming back into my body, learning to be in my body, learning, to feel safe in my body and really learning to find myself again, you know, a huge part of, um, trauma for me has been like, feeling like I was scattered in a thousand different pieces and I've had to like pull them all together. Um, so that I feel whole, and, um, so that I, I feel safe, you know, constantly, um, the other part, you know, is we're like building up. And so it's, it's just, it's not just safety in like the physical sense, but it absolutely can be like, I don't stay at hotel rooms on the bottom floor, you know, I ha I want to be up, I don't want my window on the floor. Um, those are, you know, I, um, co lock my door. So to this day, I think about like, if somebody were to come into my house, how can I be safe? Um, when I go to my car, I'm thinking about how can I be safe? You know, that once you, and for women who haven't experienced sexual assault, it is something that we are always thinking about how we're gonna avoid. And the reality is from the statistic that this is not an irrational fear, the likelihood of us being harmed again is pretty great. Um, and those statistics compound, you know, that's, it's a, it's a, the reality of, um, how violent of a culture that we live in. That it's something that we're thinking about. Um, so it is that, you know, that physical safety, but it's also, how can I be safe in my mind because a lot of the healing really like the war has been in the mind, um, I'm really blamed myself and, and a lot. And, you know, when substances are involved, then you have other people who are blaming you too. And so it is, you know, I, you know, to this day, I have, I, I, I tell people and every time I might tell them, I'm, I'm remembering myself, this is not your fault, nothing you did to deserve this. Um, you did not deserve for this to happen. And I had them on sticky notes, everywhere that I would say it again and again and again. And I needed people to tell me that all the time, this is not your fault. You did not deserve for this to happen. There's nothing that you could ever do or say to deserve this, no human being deserves this. Um, and, um, you know, in all of the different ways that, um, you know, that your mind makes you after this, that you feel unworthy, you know, that suicide, you know, that that was something that I did attempt to do. And, um, for anybody and everybody, it's a very natural thought, you know, to, when you're thinking about all the different ways to, um, stop the harm that you're experiencing, the way that, that the violence continues to come out. So it is, it is physical safety. It is emotional safety. Um, it is, um, you know, um, cognitive safety and all, all us different ways. And then the next part is relationships. And those, you know, we, we have to have all those things to, to have relationships. And the science of relationships is so incredible as well as, you know, the, the part that it plays in all of our lives, right. That we are hardwired to be in relationship, you know, from the time that we're in our mother's wombs and we're in there, and our bodies become regulated to, um, to our mother's body. And then when we're placed on, on our mother's chest, our heart regulates to her heart and our breathing regulates and our bodies sink together and everything that we need as babies, we never stop needing a, um, affection, um, love connect. And, um, and that, um, regulation. So whe what at the very heart of trauma is that dysregulation, those being in relationship in healthy relationships that, um, you know, for recovery, what we'd say is that we will love people until they learn to love themselves. And that's really the truth of all of the virtues is if you really want somebody to know something, you give them the experience of that. And so surrounding myself with people who were regulated, you know, who could, you know, now as an advocate, the way that I think about it is that I will bring people into my piece, you know, rather than meeting them in the chaos. And, and that's like, um, um, or I, I picture this tree that is deeply rooted, you know, that I'm inviting people to come, you know, sit in the shade. Um, and that is, that is a gift that I was given early on. And that is, you know, to sit in someone's present and to have people who believed, um, that I could do it, even though I didn't believe that I could, I had people who believed that I could overcome this, that I, that I could recover, that I would have a life that I never dreamed of long before I dreamed of that, you know, that I had people who, um, called me into like my highest self, you even, you know, even at the time where I was experiencing my addiction, you know, that they were able to see beyond that they were able to see that as a symptom of something, um, much greater and that relationship and that community allowed me to connect back to myself, connect to a source, which is another really important part of my recovery pathway to connect to culture, um, and to connect to community. And, and I think, and there's a lot of different, you know, pathways from there that I could talk about.

Speaker 2: 19:19

I absolutely love the part with, I bring people into my piece and even the analogy of it, like, I'm the tree. I that's beautiful. I, I wrote those down. I'm going to think about that and use that when I'm, you know, working with other people too. I think that's so great. And, you know, in going back a little ways, you know, as we talked about coping skills and what initially we were offered, you're absolutely right that some of us need that. And it does help for a well, which is why we get to the points we get to. And, you know, and in my case, I didn't have any other coping skills, this toolbox of healing that I have today. I didn't know any of these things existed when I went through my assault. And so, you know, being, given those drugs, even though in retrospect, I, I can see the whole play of it, becoming an addiction, and then leading to all kinds of new problems. But at the time it truly was, was saving me. It was letting me sleep at night. It was giving me these brief moments of reprieve from my extreme pain. And, um, so I appreciate you talking about that because I don't want anyone to think we're saying that it's wrong. Like, we, we completely understand why that's there and how it can help us.

Speaker 3: 20:41

Oh yeah. Like that initial, like you, I mean, to all of the different responses that the body has, like there's medication that will help with the nausea there's medication that will help with, um, various medication that can block your nightmares for people who have those nightmares that are reoccurring there's medication that can help with the restless legs. Um, as well as the anxiety, it is, you know, making sure that people are informed, you know, making sure that a lot of this medications are, um, um, or, um, even when they aren't addictive, there are withdrawals and knowing about that and that withdrawals can lead to depression. And that, that has, it has a physical and emotional response on your body. So, I mean, the goal is to give you all the information and that you cannot make a wrong choice, but that you feel informed about the decision you're making

Speaker 2: 21:26

This year. I all of a sudden had a ton of anxiety higher than any other time in my life. And it was just this combination of one too many things that stacked up along with the, you know, insanity of the world around us. And all of a sudden I was in this really tough space. And finally, one of my closest friends said, have you thought about like going to see a doctor get on one of these antidepressants or something that'll help you, like, this is why they exist and they're helping millions of people. And I was so resistant because of my past. And finally I'm like, okay, I think I'm gonna try that. And I went, and I'm sure I'm an interesting patient, cuz I'm like, well, are you sure? You know how long it's okay to prescribe these? And you know, and I'm an addict and I don't want this one. I don't want that one. Those feel too good. Do you have something like that? That doesn't feel that good? You know? And, um, but you know, it was a really interesting experience cuz I haven't been on anything like that, any prescriptions other than my asthma stuff for over 10 you years. And so I tried something and it helped and I eased into it and used it for a couple months and weaned off of it and I've been fine. But uh, you know, that, it's just another one of those things that depending on our past experience, it just makes things, we have our specific challenges. And like you were talking about out the safety of locking your door and all these little things that you do. Um, and I'm the same way. And it's so interesting cuz it's like someone broke into my house one day out of my entire life of the thousands of upon thousands of days, I've lived one day and a day hasn't gone by, since that I don't like booby trap my house that night and you know, and to different a different extent, but it's like, I've got my like security system and cameras and then I set up this like home alone style, booby trap. So someone does open the door, things are gonna crash and boom and you know,<laugh>, and it's like, I don't wanna live like that, but it brings me comfort and I'm like, okay, I'm ready to go to bed now. You know? And it's just, it's a lot and I think's good for us to talk about that. So people know that they're not the only ones feeling that way, you know? Yeah.

Speaker 3: 23:45

How much time and energy goes into, um, living with the effects of trauma. And, and it is, I encourage you to, um, dive into the science because, um, you know, the, the science of trauma has been one of the most liberating things, you know, that is the science of addiction, you know, helped me to understand that I am not morally flawed. Um, that I'm a human being, um, that, um, used the resources that were at hand, um, understanding, um, you know, the, the, the effects of trauma, you know, and a couple of, you know, really important, um, um, or, you know, the connection between health disparities and trauma, you know, um, so right at the, at the heart of trauma is dysregulation and a big part of that is the nervous system. And that comes from this giant nerve that, um, is in our brain that connects. And it's, it's called the vagus nerve, which is Latin for wondering, and it comes down, um, and it connects to all of our major organs. It connects to our heart, connects to our lungs, to our stomach, to our intestines, um, to our kidneys, um, or liver. And, um, and it, it totally different times our body will have different responses. So it's totally normal if you have survived trauma to have, um, GI issues. Um, it, it's also one of the things that causes those panic attacks. And so one of the panic attacks, um, stress responses, um, so a couple of different like life hacks that I I've used super, super cold water, um, um, cold water that has ice. If I can get it on the roof of my mouth, if I'm starting to have an emotional response, um, if I'm having a really big panic attack, I keep, um, something frozen that I can put on my chest or that I can put on the back of my, um, neck. Um, so that, I'm what what's called from the bottom up. So you're stimulating in that VA nerve that tells your brain to calm your body down. Um, and it has been really helpful for me to, um, self advocacy is another really important part of healing. And that is, um, understanding trauma. And, um, this way that I advocate with people, you know, about what's happening, my employer, um, partners, you know, that they, and the questions I will ask them is what do you know about trauma that I am a trauma survivor, I'm a person of long term recovery, and that I have, um, severe PTSD from what happened to me. And so what that means is that I do not respond well to authority. Um, I do not respond well to people like raising their voice. I can't not have anyone near my face ever, ever it, my, um, I, it causes a response, including my daughter, who's seven. I've had to explain to her honey, I'm really sorry, cuz you know, kids, they wanna like get right up in there that it makes, I'm sorry that I know this doesn't make sense, but it makes me feel unsafe when I have somebody that close to my face. Um, I cannot have my mouth covered ever, ever, like don't even touch my mouth, don't do it. Um, as well as, um, other things, you know, um, do not touch my hair.<laugh>, you know, like things like that make me feel safe. Don't pull my hair. Don't like, not that I would happen, but um, um, and for employers, you know that they understand that if you send me an email on a Friday that, um, leaves me wondering about things that you're gonna raise my blood pressure all weekend and that, so it's really about these conversations, you know, their boundaries. Um, they are, um, I, I, what I, um, call them is, um, it is a structure. I know what helps me feel safe and what gives me the highest quality of life. And that is, um, and I have freed myself, you know, from that. And that is, I, I really try to have a very compassionate outlook on any response that I'm having. Um, so sometimes I will think about it as like I am the sky and these emotion, this response is the weather and it will pass. So whether it is a storm or it is raining or the wind is blowing really hard, like I am still the sky and I, I, I do not have, um, control over what the weather is going to do as it, as it comes in and out. Um, so, um, and understanding the kind of responses I know, um, some people might shut down and have an inability to move forward. So this is really important for survivors to understand for providers to understand like why they're not able to make those appointments. They might not even be able to articulate that. I could not talk about the trauma. I, I took me a long time to understand that these are the responses, you know, that people have, my response is a fight response. And so I get angry. Um, and, um, like if I am afraid, if I'm stressed out, if I'm overwhelmed, if I, if I get hurt, my initial response is anger. Um, and it takes me a little while for that, you know, to come down, you know, through different, different tricks, um, that, um, engage the body and every person, you know, can figure out and those different things. Um, one of the, the things that's helped me, um, learn what those are is by, you know, being in community with other survivors. There are a lot of online groups, um, that are anonymous, you know, that you can connect with other people. Um, the, my most recent sexual assault, it was really great when I couldn't say it to anybody, then I wrote it out in a message to a group of people that'll never see again. And, and that felt, it felt really good. I know for myself as a child, I couldn't talk about these things for decades. And that is a total natural response. Like, and you don't have to, there are trauma, there are, um, there are pathways to healing that never require you to ever talk about the trauma. We don't have to talk about it cuz it's there, um, and are ways to release it from the body. Um, there's a lot of really great literature out there that helps us understand how our body, um, holds that trauma in and um, and how we can release it. Um, I think maybe the most, um, common therapy that people know about is thought talk therapy, which is a wonderful type of therapy also, but not for everybody. There are so many different pathways to healing. And I think that I, the first place that I would start is learning to be compassionate with yourself, that it like it wasn't your fault. And however, you are responding, you are just surviving and so, and whatever you need to do, like some of the conversations I would have with myself would be like, okay, I need to, I'm gonna eat this cupcake<laugh> and I'm gonna use as many cupcakes as I, as I need to. Um, or I'm gonna be in bed, um, all weekend and understand that like my body is spitting that energy on something that maybe I'm not aware of. Um, and it does pass and I, and you get to a place, but, and, and if you get to a place that you're just, okay, you're still alive. And that is the whole goal is that we survive this.

Speaker 2: 30:08

Wow. Thank you. Yeah, I, that self-compassion is so huge. And I think just being really gentle with ourselves and I, I found myself getting so frustrated when I, when fear comes up and I'm like, still, still this again, you know, and that doesn't help. Cuz then I'm just layering on more, you know, kind of negative emotions. And um, I actually changed my phone screen to a picture of myself as a five year old for a few months because I realized like, okay, in this kind of situation, how would I talk to my daughter? How would I talk to myself as a little girl who is feeling afraid? Would I say, oh my God again with this, like get over it, move on. No, I would hold them. And I would say, I love you and I'm here and I'm listening and I, you don't even have to talk just cry. I'm here. We're gonna move through this together. You know? And so I, I was in such a kind of heightened, frustrated state that my healing was slowing down. And by putting that picture because of course we're all addicted to our phones. So every time I would open it, I was like, I would, I would have this breath like, oh yeah, I love you. Like, oh yeah, I'm here. Like, we're okay, I'll just hold you in this space. And that became so powerful. And uh, so I really recommend it for people, you know, cuz we there's just, we can treat ourselves so harshly, but we can treat a small sweet child that way, you know, so, oh

Speaker 3: 31:42

No. And they is ions behind the blaming of ourself too. Like if you think about our, our brain is hardwired to keep us alive. And so when something really bad, um, happens to us like a sexual assault, our brain can't even fathom why somebody would do that. And, and it recognizes that we have no control over another human being. The only thing that we do have control over is ourself. So immediately go to this place of like how can I ever prevent this and that? Um, and that feels like blame. I, how can I prevent this from happening? I mean, it becomes a natural thought that ends up turning into, um, something that, um, you know, I would say that there, you know, there, there are seeds of love in there, right? That we wanna prevent from happening to us again. And it's also recognizing that, um, that we cannot shame ourself into doing things differently. We can't shame anybody into doing things differently. Um, so that, you know, that, um, that inner child work was so like I'm maybe it's one of the most important conversations I've ever had in my entire life. And that was when I recognized how hard I had been on myself like that there were people that, you know, had said and done horrible things to me, but that internalized voice that I had for myself, um, was one of, you know, the cruelest things, you know, I consistently told self and there was a, you know, um, exacerbated by the, you know, the trauma that, you know, that I was dumb, that I was worthless, that I would be alone, that nobody loved me, that I, I wasn't even worthy of services. I, and that's a common feeling too, to feel like if you, you know, if you wanna interact with the provider, you're not bothering them. That's what they're there for. But it, there is that feeling of being a burden on anybody. Like I'm too much. My trauma is too much I'm I am broken. And I, you know, to, to address that, I remember I was, I had a conversation with myself in the mirror and I made an immense, I looked at myself and I said, I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry for all the, the awful things that I said, I'm really sorry for choosing other people over you. I'm really sorry. And I went through all the different things that I had, all of the different ways that I felt that I had harm myself. And then I made myself a promise that I would never leave myself, that I would always take care of myself and that I would love myself to the best of my abilities. And I continued to think about that conversation. And I worked really hard to change the voice that was there to my grandmother's voice. And I would think about what she would say, you know? And, um, and I continue to use that example, you know, of being aware of how we feel in other people's presence, especially our own, especially our own, you know, when no one else is around, you know, how do we feel when we're standing in front of the mirror naked? How do we feel? Um, you know, after we make a mistake and, you know, can we, um, can we invite another way of thinking about ourselves and being, and that has been really, really, really powerful. And, and that goes back to that, you know, self advocacy. And after I had that, you know, started to have that awareness for myself, then that extended out to other relationships. And I became, am very aware of how I felt in other people's presence. And especially after you know, that time where I was especially vulnerable. Um, then I was acutely aware of, um, how I felt, you know, and I really tried to surround myself with people who made me feel like the best version of me, um, who not just like tolerated me, but also like celebrated me, um, you know, whatever I was doing. However I needed to survive, just compassionate and loving. And I feel like that is such an important piece. And, um, and also the invitation to create the family that you need. You know, a lot of us have come from families that, um, um, are unhealthy, you know, and there are the different communities, um, out there for us to engage in. Um, and then the permission to do more of the things that we love, you know, um, for me playing volleyball has been really a really important part of like normalcy, um, being in nature, spending time with my daughter, um, and, um, recognizing, you know, the, the time that I didn't lose that time, you know, I, I went deep into myself and that's a, another part of the healing process is I went deep into myself and it took me a long time before I could really process what happened for me to be able to come out and, um, for me to talk about it and then to be able to express what it is that I need and healing is not linear. Like, um, I, to, I, you know, sometimes I lead these groups and I tell people, I may be the person who needs this the most.<laugh> like, even though like, they just, like, you never know, like you never know where people's needs are. And it is always changing for me. I am always reevaluating what it is that I need and giving myself permission to explore whatever that is. You know, I, I give myself a lot of gifts. I check in with myself to see what it is that I'm needing. Sometimes I surprise myself, you know, I, you know, it's July and I'm like, you wanna watch Tyler? Harry's Christmas. I'm like, yeah,<laugh> I do.<laugh> like, okay. You know, I, I will go to the store and allow myself to, to give myself. And, um, I've been surprised at what it is that, you know, um, younger Christina, um, wounded, you know, um, healing indeed of what is it that I need, it might to not do anything or, um, you know, permission to do the dishes permission to not do the dishes, um, to watch TV, um, you know, like you said, we are addicted to our phones and this is a really incredible way for us to disconnect when we need to, there's so much happening here that disassociation is a really powerful mechanism. Um, allowing your mind to daydream and wonder, you know, is really powerful, um, coping mechanism. And if that's something that you're struggling with another life hack is I set a lot of alarms and I make a lot of lists.

Speaker 2: 37:32

You had said reconnecting to our bodies. I think that disconnect is so can be so severe. And I know it was for me. And I remember watching what was happening to me as it was happening. Like I was out, there was a point where I was just not safe to be there. And, you know, and so even through, like you said, it's so li it's not linear. So through all this healing, um, I was doing a lot of healing up here and I was like learning a lot and understanding and clearing my mind and doing some really great releasing mechanisms and tapping emotional freedom technique is one of my all time favorite things. And one of the beautiful things is with our phones, like we have access to so much healing. You can go on YouTube and go tapping for PTSD, and a bunch of videos will pop up and you can do a guided thing and get instant relief. Like that alone is incredible. Our, my mom didn't have that when she was my age, you know, so we have access to so many different healing tools, but anyway, I just realized at a certain point, I'd done all kinds of healing, but I forgot about my body and I was still super disconnected. And so, you know, that's a whole other part of the journey, you know, and even sexually, it's like a lot of us too. It's like, I was, it wasn't into, it was like a thing. And then here's our relationship and here's sex and I'm, I'm still out. I'm like, yeah. You know, and, uh, just that disconnect is huge. So I think there are a lot of somatic things and, um, just different ways to connect back in for me, dancing is a really big one, just putting on a, any song that makes me feel feelings and just dance in my living room by myself and release and connect, you know, so, yeah, but too, we're, we're gonna add links to a lot of different healing tools under this.

Speaker 3: 39:31

And I wanna, I want, I really wanna validate, um, the role of, of, um, culture, um, you know, and, and connecting to something bigger. But then also, like there are so many indigenous practices that are now supported by science, you know, um, we talked about like that, that VA nerve, we do a lot of which can be stimulated, you know, in the body by extreme cold and extreme heat. So like a life hack that you can do, if you are having a panic attack or you're having an emotional response, put water on your face, put it on the back of your neck, um, putting your feet in water. Um, we do a lot of polar plunges here. We jump into the cold and we also have, um, sweat lodge and we have steams. Um, and those are both really great for stimulating that, um, for stimulating your nervous system. Um, another one is singing humming. Um, that's another way to stimulate, um, that, um, big wondering vagus nerve, um, um, throat singing. That's another, you know, it's another, it's these practices dancing, moving your body is so, so, so, so important. Um, another, another really great one is, oh, is it gonna me? Oh, I think it's gonna slip. Oh, darn it. I was, I was connecting it to culture and I, okay. Breath. Okay. This is, um, um, meditation being in your body, but there is science behind breath. I know people are like, just breathe. Um, but when you, when you take that big belly breath and you extend your belly out, actually what happens is that it ends up moving your lung and it stimulates that nerve. And then that nerves tells your brain to calm down. So a couple of big belly breaths. Um, the one that is, you know, is really simple to do is the four square breathing. So you're breathing in for four seconds holding it for four seconds, breathing out for four seconds, but really like placing your hands on your belly, holding that for four seconds, breathing in for four seconds. There's science behind this kind of breathing that helps you to, um, tell your body that you feel safe and calm. And it it's really, you know, finding these things that, um, that work for you. So there's like the immediate, like when you're having one of these responses and then there's actually ways that you can, um, I'm trying to remember what it's called. It's, it's our, um, H R T um, um, anyway, but it's, it's that connection between the vagus nerve and the heart and, and a way to, um, track it. And so you can tell, like, what's happening, it's a way to, um, track the, um, the health of that, of that nerve. And, um, so that's why like, you know, do exercise and, um, um, and drinking lots of water and connecting with community and dancing. So I'll, I'll give you an example. Let's say that, um, something were to happen. That would cause, um, a big response for me. So if I am on a zoom and I'm, and somebody, when this happens, I'm in conference and people say racist, discriminatory, people are talking about survivors in really derogatory ways. You know, then I will have, have a response. So I have, I have oil that I keep right here that I might rub and smell. Um, and if that, um, isn't working, then I have different things that are close by, um, that are tactile, that I can feel in my hands. Um, I have, um, these that are really close. So what I'll do is I'll pick a color and then I try and find that color in the room, um, just to help me connect back to my body, because when I have that response, I, what I tell people is that, um, is that my temperature rises, but my IQ drops<laugh>. So it's become this like coping mechanism to not, it can be horribly embarrassing if you're, if you are, um, response, fight, you know, but for people that completely disengage get really quiet, um, um, or, you know, completely, um, um, the flight, you know, that you completely avoid any kind of, you know, interactions don't, you know, have the desire, the ability to really tell somebody how they have harmed you or what they are saying might be problematic, totally natural, all totally, totally natural. And those those can help with, with that as well.

Speaker 2: 43:40

Wow. That's super helpful. Thank you. And I think I disengage, I just turned blank in the eyes and I'm like, I'm going somewhere else now. I

Speaker 3: 43:49

Don't like I know. Yeah. And it is, I, I, there are times where I know let's say that I have been on high alert for a while. Let's say that something's happened and I've been on high alert. My body gets exhausted and it will, it will take naps without me even knowing it I'm disassociating. Um, so I will, I, I use a lot of humor, but I'll tell people, I'm sorry. I was just cruising around the atmosphere of my spaceship and I wasn't present. Can you please, um, repeat that again because I don't get to choose when I leave or how long I'm gone and then come back. And sometimes I can lose hours, you know, when it's at the most extreme, but just totally normalizing. That is a very natural response to that. Um, and then, you know, advocating for people. So it's not, you know, not a big, it's not a big deal. It's a thing that happens to me that I've learned to live with and explain to people if they need that.

Speaker 2: 44:42

Yeah. And then I think really honoring rest, because you're right. When, when we're dealing with trauma and different things coming up, our body's working really hard to help us. And in ways we can't see. And, and sometimes I think we can consciously like setting that intention. Anytime I watch a movie, even with my kids, you know, I tell my body like, okay, we can check out, like, this is a perfect time, do what you need to do. And same with my mind, like, and heavy, you know? And, and I, don't always, what's interesting is I don't remember things that I've watched in movies almost ever, you know, and I'm like, mom, you were there. And I'm like, what was I, was I, yeah. Healing in my spaceship. Yeah. So,

Speaker 3: 45:28

Well, and if the, if it's the opposite, I've worked with people that really struggle with this association and want to be present, you know, and it's, um, and if that is the pathways for that, it's really, you know, starting where you are. So, uh, trying to bring mindfulness into eating, it's like, okay, I'm gonna be present and I'm going to taste this. And there are a lot of benefits to that. There are, there's a lot of science that, you know, um, the practices of mindfulness, um, when eating, um, and so to think about the things that we naturally aren't mindful for to try to bring that in, um, brushing our teeth. There are these different things that we do within our life that don't require us to be fully present. And that's when we're on, um, autopilot and it's all muscle memory, the driving home, brushing our teeth, showering, getting dressed, cooking, um, cleaning, you know, different things that we don't have to be present for. But if it disassociation is something that you struggle with, um, it could be choosing, you know, any one of those things to, to be intentionally, okay, I'm gonna try and be present for the next 30 seconds. I'm gonna try and be present for the next minute. Um, and see what comes up for me and what, um, I'm aware of. I know that for myself, after not having emotions and not feeling that, um, without drugs, that I would disassociate all the time. And so that, that early beginning of coming into recovery, um, and trying to find, you know, that's, the other thing is that they'll never be a void. If you're taking something away, you have to put something in place like it's you there, it it's never without. And, um, and your body will do it naturally. Whether, you know, and we don't often get to pick how, um, our body and our brain respond to those things. Um, but just very, very, and, and being compassionate with yourself. Like if, if that's something, you know, if you need to start with less, less time. Totally, totally. Okay. I'm gonna walk for three minutes. Um, cleaning the house. This is not, this is something that took me years to be able to do, to like, um, what I tell people is the life that I have now, um, I couldn't sustain, then it has taken me a long time to be able to build up these things. Um, I would set a timer. Okay. I'm just going to clean. I'm gonna clean for the next 15 minutes. I'm gonna see how far I get just on this one part, rather than looking at the whole thing overwhelming. And that's, you know, there's a lot of parallels to that in the healing journey. It not, it, all of it doesn't happen overnight. It is choosing what feels, where to you, and you'll know it from your intuition. You'll get excited about it. Um, and you will know healing by the way that it feels like even when it's uncomfortable, you'll be excited because it's happening. Hmm.

Speaker 2: 48:01

Perfect. I love that. Well, thank you so much, Christina. These have been incredibly helpful tips. And like I said, we will, um, get a whole list together of all kinds of tools that we personally used and love so that you can just be fully armed with all kinds of things to try. And I think that's been a big part of my healing journey too, is like being willing to try all the things. And some things are gonna work better than others for each of us. So just be willing to get a little uncomfortable. And I love the way you just put that, but we'll get excited. We'll know when it's happening.

Speaker 3: 48:36

Yeah. And there's power and choice. Like you, I feel like it, it maybe is the most important thing. And that's where the self-advocacy like, if you're working with a team of people that they are allowing you to choose for yourself, that you are working with people who believe, believe that you have the ability to overcome this, that they, they believe you, first of all, very important and that they believe in your ability to do whatever it is that you want. That is so incredibly important, um, empowerment sovereignty, and that you're presented with a whole lot of options. So what if that's engaging in, um, you know, um, the medical model, which is really looks at the different types of therapy, group therapy, individual therapy, there are so many different, um, that you'll get to choose. Hopefully, you know, that they'll, they'll have a, a whole menu of things for you to choose from, um, from, um, cognitive behavioral therapy, um, tapping, um, EMDR. There are so many things that, and have, um, used all of those things. And, um, and each thing nothing has been fully, nothing, nothing does at all. Everything does, um, just the right amount of what it's needed to do. Um, so my therapist, wasn't absolutely everything. My group therapy, wasn't everything, but everything provided me a little bit more. Um, I love group therapy because I could listen to, to other people's experience. And I learned about myself from listening to other people when I didn't have the ability to talk. So I really appreciated that. Um, and, and then all the other pathways, I would say there's so much power and choice, you know, from an incident that left us feeling really powerless. It's seeking out places that, that, um, empower us so grateful. So I love this conversation we could do, we could do a, you know, a busy hour. Yes. Yeah. Thank you so much.

Speaker 2: 50:17

You're welcome. All right, we'll talk again soon. And thank you so much, Christina.

Speaker 1: 50:22

This podcast is made possible by funding from the Office on Violence Against Women. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in the presentation are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Department of Justice, the Office on Violence Against Women or the International Association of Forensic Nurses. If you would like to connect with an advocate after listening to this episode, please call 800-656-HOPE that's 800-656-4673. To be routed to an advocate in your area, 24/7, or go to rainn.org, R A I N N.org for more info or live chat.